Realization...

Ever realize something that means a lot too.

I feel like something so special could have been out my life today and I realized how much it would hurt me.

Just a few minutes ago, I just came back from going out with someone who I am trying to have trust in me again. I know it will take time, but I hope this person realizes that I really want him in my life.

I sat there with this person and had a late night dinner. I enjoyed myself tonight. As we were sitting and eating, we would talk about anything and laugh. I love seeing him smile. It does something to me and I don’t know why. Everything was perfect, just everything. But when it came to talking about us splitting, people being in out business, and other people talking about us, it hurts. I did not think it would hurt me but it did. And this is the first time that I actually felt pain from all this in a long time. I tried to brush it off, but it was still there. However I did not make it seem like there was something wrong with me at all. I just kept it cool.

The night ended beautiful. Listened to music and drove back to my school. Everything was fine. Parked in the parking lot but no words were being exchanged. Honestly, this is where I felt something else. I felt like something was missing. I felt like there was a barrier in front of me blocking me from confessing what I wanted to say. I really wanted to tell him how I felt but I couldn’t. I could not face being shut down again from the first time. One time is enough for me. He asked me what I was thinking about but I couldn’t tell him.

So finally it was time to really end the night. I said bye and walked out the car. Got into my crib and walked into my room. Started to undress myself from the clothes then that’s when someone hits me up on my Nextel. I seen it was him and I answered. All I heard was I got into a car accident. Do you know how much that HURTS and SCARES me!!!??? I thought he really got injured, but it was a minor accident, but serious at the same time. His ankle right now really hurts because he got hurt on his left side. I left my room so quick, drove up real fast (took my girls car) and found him. GOD my heart was racing. That’s when it hit me. I needed him. I wanted him. I wanted to be that girl to be with him the rest of the night. I wanted him to stay with me. My heart was hurting so much that it felt like someone was piercing a knife into it to the point that I can feel it striking it slowing! I realized that the feelings I have is not a phase. It is something REAL.

ALL MY FEELINGS ARE BACK FOR HIM. Yes and I can not help this either. As much as I try to block, brush off, avoid, deny… it still hits me hard. Yes I want him back, but I know I can’t. I know he would not want to go back into something that broke us apart in the first place. But I am trying so hard to tell him, but I guess it’s not meant to be at all.

Now… I just sit here thinking, “WHAT IF…”

What Am I Writing...?

I don't seem to understand this feeling that I get as I sit here and right this.

As I sit here I looked over to my bed and there you lay, sound asleep. But are you really sleeping? My mind seems confused.. lost.. unrecovered because of this feeling I possess. I can't seem to know what it means.

My feelings for you are there, but I feel as if something is holding you back from me that I just can't figure out. Part of me feels happy that your presence is near. Other part feels rage that I can not seem to understand why it is here. Why do I feel this way? I don't quite know.

As I laid next to you I would slowly close my eyes of fatigue... but something comes to mind to keep me awake. I think about those moments we shared... the nights we spent together... all you can think of. Hence the pain that I feel when these memories come to play.

Its 6am in the morning and I am wide awake... but my body screams for rest... why am I doing this to myself again?? Why can't I just forget and move on with my life?

I sit here and look on over to my bed as you lay there and just wish I can be in your arms. What is the possibility percentage... you can tell me that. I refuse to try to make a move because I would not want to feel unwanted.

I look on over to you and thirst for you, which I think is impossible for me to do. I sit here and wish to know what is that you dream of as you lay in MY bed. Do you dream of me, your future, what you have now... and that new person in your life?

On behalf of that, I wish I could let you know exactly how I feel about you and this person. I feel that you are confused on what you want. You are confused of what the feelings inside of you are playin some sort of game. Or am I the one confused bout how I feel?

Do I want to continue and lay right next to you once again? Do I want to feel something that I try to control but can't seem to win the battle when you are near?

Fatigue is killing me at this moment. My body is wanting to go back, but my heart and mind is wanting to stay away from these questions that come to mind when I lay. But I dont have a choice... its either to get sick once again or just face reality and accept the challenge that comes at me.

Only God can provide me the answers to my question and lead me on to the right path that I seek for. But what is it? To be wanted is somethin I would want. To be acknowledged of the real deal from someone.

Damn, I just need some time to myself to recollect things...

Now the sun is up... I really need to get some sleep.

****Just speaking a whole lot of things that just randomly come to mind****

*Seksi*

Geoffrey Dale Douglas...

Today makes 4 years since your death boo... and everyday it just gets harder and harder when you dont have that someone who will always be there to pick you up and bring you back on your feet. That's what I feel at this moment boo.

As I sit here, I reminisce of everything we went through from the 3rd grade up until your death. I remember the time when Mr finn chased you and Edson with a belt at school. Oh, how about the time when Charlyne pulled down your pants at gym class...lol... that was so funny! I can never forget those late night phone calls. I cherish those moments like no other. I'm never going to forget the phone call of you thinking you almost lost your life because of weed, lol. The incident did stop you for a while because you ended up going to the hospital for it, but you picked up your habits cuz of the people you hung out with.


It makes me cry you know as I write this. Its hard how you care about someone so much that some individual had to take your life away. I still do not understand that!! Only you and God can explain to me why your presence had to leave this unholy ground. IT HURTS SO MUCH!!! :(

Baby... I never had the chance to thank you for everything you have done for me. Those days you stayed with me after school because my father always came late....Thank You. Those times when you brought my hopes back up when I was down in school....Thank You. Those times when we would help each other draw....Thank You. Those nights when we would talk on the phone and you would give me advice.... Thank You. Those times I needed a shoulder to cry n when I was always into something, Thank You. The times when you made me realize who was good to me and who were my real friends....Thank You. There is so much and all I can say is Thank You Geoffrey. Thank You for everything boo.

God...I just wish boo, thats all I have to say...I just wish. Damn... next yr you and I would have turned 21. Drinking age boo... I can just imagin us hitting the clubs seeing each other and acting seriously like a stupid fool....Damn I can hear you laugh right now.

Right now the image I have of you is you sitting in the front right corner of the first row bitting on your nails, left leg spread str8 out under the desk, you tilting to the black board to the right and just staring hard. LOL... i used to yell at you about that. Damn those were the days.

I would write more boo... but I got class in about 7 hours and I need the sleep. You know your on my mind every second chance I get. Know that you are always on my mind and heart. And I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU... that unconditional love is there always boo.

Rest In Peace.
Aug 21st, 1985 -Nov. 8th, 2001

Untitled (Nasty)

It starts with a kiss
Red luscious lips
Then it starts with a touch, becoming meaningful grips
A lustful stare
a heavenly pair
Gripful thighs
"take me" eyes
Hand on knee
Breathing rapidly
Legs begin to part
Quickening beating of the heart
A petal rose,
falling clothes
Starts to lose
the flowing emotional juice
Going seriously mad
wanting him so BAD!
Grinding loins
pumpin groins
Extremely hot,
he's hitting the right spot
Screaming out loud,
muscles proud
A sensual soulful moan,
my seed is being sown
Passions met,
cooling sweat
Slow heart beat
both tangled feet
Warm and cozy,
feeling dozey
Out of steam....now it's time to dream

Continuing "Aggravated"

Wondering why I'm aggravated about school at this point...

Well come to find out I have 2 exams...one for A&P and Chem....

Now... that's a lot of information that I need to memorize in just an amount of time. I really do not think this is fair to me. I'm trying my hardest and my best to keep up all my work and everything else on point... but it's just so hard for me at this moment.

For those that do not know, I am majoring in Biology and Minoring in Visual Arts... however, I have not added the minor yet. I wanted to know how everything would be before I added more courses on top of my current schedule. And right now... it's a pain in the ass!!

All this science is killing me. One minute I think I am doing well in one class... I begin to stumble...Forget stumble... fall flat on my face in the other class.

Just today I seriously blocked everyone out, but my fam, out my schedule. I can not take all this pressure no more. I seriously did not show up for both my science classes because I was really frustrated with both of them. I dropped my assignment and all you seen me do was DIPSET!! (LOL)

My whole weekend was a disaster! I lost my keys Friday night when I went out with my cousin. What... let me guess... very irresponsible huh?! NO!!! This is actually my first time ever loosing my keys. What's worse is that they were my dorm keys. Out of all keys...why my dorm room keys. So obviously I had to get a new set... for my roommate and I. Plus get the locks changed to our room. I was highly UPSET with myself... because I never thought this would happen to me. Then I get a bill for $150 for everything...UGH! Life so sucks for me this week! What else happened to me on the weekend?? Oh I know, I got a complaint from work that I was sleeping. How can you tell I was sleeping if you never even spoke to me?! I was sick dammit... caught a big cold from standing in the rain the night before for a stupid party which was a waste of my damn time. I was soak and wet from head to toe... water literally dripping from my hair down to my face.... I looked like Monica in the video "Gone"! So yea, my boss spoke to my privately asking me why was I sleeping, but I told her everything and how I was sick. I didn't even stay for my whole shift for Gods sake. My co-workers literally told me to go home because I looked HORRIBLE!!! But fuck them right now...

Anywho... I NEED to get my study on right now... holla

.:Seks:.

Aggravated

School SUCKS ASS!!!!!! >:o.....

A couple of Updates...

My classes are getting harder than I thought!

My brother's 17th birthday was last Tuesday...HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOO!

My boys birthday is today...Happy Bday!

I met someone and we have been hanging out for a couple of days.... hes cool people.

Went to Bentley.... didn't get it, LMAO....what a night.

Went to Tabu Sunday night... it was fun!

Bought me some nice kicks....lookin hot on me, lol.

I got a lot of haters.... don't care, HA...

Anything else??? Naw....

Dipset

Unknown Letter...

Here I go again-----mind wandering in class just thinking about you!

Reminiscing of the times we shared for a couple of years.

I did not think it would come this far between you and me. I did not think that we would end up in a bad break up ----> nothing reciprocated between us two.

I thought everything would have been in good condition until my mind became tainted by people who basically did not want us together by telling me what "he did". Now all we do is fight, argue, yell, scream, curse at each other, hang up on each others face, and hurt each other in many ways, which is something that I did not want to encounter.

What happened to us wanting each other in every way? What happened to you waiting for me to come back into your life officially as your girl? What happened to the conversations we agreed on until everything was calm? Why did you always ask me? Why did you always called me baby? WHY did you reject me when I gave you my final answer????

You say your feelings have changed, and so have mine. I thought it was a mutual thing, but I guess I was wrong. If your feelings so called "changed" then why were you always around me? Why were you always calling me? Why were you always going out with me to the movies and out to eat? Why were you always asking me to come over and chill? Why did you fuck me???? Yet.............your feelings changed right?? Makes sense huh??

Well I am not putting another fight with you. It is just a waste of my valuable time and also yours. It will never get us nowhere but disliking each other even more.

Not too long ago you broadcasted that you did not want me, you did not want anything to do with me, you wanted someone new and fresh, and you did not want to go back to "THAT" so you called it and so on. SO why am I receiving a letter stating you have been craving? Basically ----- craving for me, craving to have intercourse with me once again. Craving to touch my body and to feel those lips again! I thought you were over and done with me??

I am aware of you being used to me…the past ----- but you’re the one who stated that you would never come back to the past. IT NO LONGER EXISTS IN YOU…

So why did you change your mind? Why would you want whatever to happen again? I swear you had someone new --- so why not get the pleasure from them? Why not give them what you used to give me? Why not receive the amount a pleasure I used to give from them? That person is someone “new and fresh” --- I’m the past, remember? You have a choice of living the past and the present…………… so why are you taking another step back?

.:Seksi:.