Tears...

It brings tears to my eyes when the one who brought you into this world, took care of you, and loved you thinks that you are just fucking around with guys and then might end up pregnant. :o(

My father and I never had a bond they way my mother and I have. We would always say hi, give a kiss on ea. others cheeks and go our way. But we know for a fact that the love is there when we do not speak. We would sit in a room together and not say a word at all but feel the love and warmth between us.

Now... I am afraid of my father. What kind of child needs to feel fear once they step foot into their home because of their father? I should not have to feel this at all. As a daughter, I should feel happy and secure in his presence. But that is just the opposite. Why? Because I never knew something between me and my father would happen.

I felt something that no young women should feel. I have seen things no child should see. Everyone has their own issue to deal with in their own eyes. And I have been dealing with this issue since Prom night. And it has not left my sight at all. What's even worse is something that I have felt since the summer of 2004, one week before I moved onto my school campus.

I had got into a dispute with my father one night and that night was the worst night I can possibly live and think of. It started off with disagreements over boys, which I am not surprised about. I mean whos father would never make a big deal about their daughter dating or even seeing just a male friend? Well, that's what we were going at it for. My mother got into, and you know, it got worse. I mean if I could just remember what was being said, I would write it. I try to erase mostly everything that had happened that night, but this one thing would never leave. But like I was saying, we were having disagreements and it really got intense because I was just fed up with everything. And then this happened... ever felt punch by a man who is heavy-handed? Well I have.... was it a nice site, oh yea, to him it was. He thought he felt like a man laying his hands on his daughter. When I felt this sharp pain... I just couldn't believe it... I mean, my own father? WHY? I didn't do anything...

But after he did this... I got up from the floor and left the house. I couldn't take it anymore. Now ever since that summer night, things just went down the hill with my father. In my culture, we are suppose to show respect by kissing their father or anyone who comes to the house on the cheek. When its the time for me to do this to my father, so much pain comes into my soul. I look at him with hate, but my heart still shares this love because he IS my father. But I shouldn't have to feel scared, unhappy when I am at home. But I do feel this. There are nights when I reminisce about this night with my father and tears would just fall from my eyes. But more keeps coming at me.

It sucks that my father compares me to my older sisters and cousins that have done worse things than I have. Look at my two cousins... both got pregnant... one had an abortion. My half-sister beats on her mother and older sister, goes out of control, fucks all the time, and disrespect everyone... and I... I will always be looked at as one of them. He will always think that I will do what they have done. I'm my ownself. I'm no one else but me. I do not follow people. I have my priorities straight. I know what I want in life... and it's nothing they have done and caused.

My father has no faith in me, and not one bit of trust because he sees what they have done. So it all comes to me. And I hate that!!! This, actually brings tears to my eyes. Getting this phone call from my mother who understands me better than anyone killed me today. My own father... thinks I'm some type of bitch who is sleeping with every nigga I have chilled with. What do I really look like? I'm not that type. C'mon, be for real... I'm actually scared to open myself to boys. I can never see myself fucking every nigga they get in contact with. I'm known as the shy, quiet girl. And the only way for me to open up and speak is IF I find interest in you. And If I did, no way in hell would I let you in me.

I just wish he would stop all this. Its seriously hurting me and my mother. And its always about boys. I mean, how would he really feel if I were to tell him that I don't like men... I like females. That is something I know that he should get at me... not over no damn boy. I have so much anger and pain... I want to let it all out, but all I can do is cry. I understand that it is hard to realize that your little girl is not little no more... but damn DEAL WITH IT!

:tear tear:

Never Satisfied...

I have noticed that I can never be satisfied with anything that comes across me. There is so many things that I am not satisfied with in my life.

I always want something better, and when I think it's "IT", gas that one. It's not. I want more, but I know I can’t have more.

I’m an all girl college, it’s straight. But I want to be in a coed school. I feel more comfortable in that type of environment then an all female environment. The classes I take, I’m sort of satisfied with it, but I want more. I have so much free time that I actually wish these teachers would give me some homework (who says that, lol)

The school food SUCKS. Breakfast… It’s OK. But I think it can be a little better. It tasted good to me first semester.

I have a cell phone, but I want something else. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it, I can call out and receive calls. My mother pays the bill, so I’m straight with that. But I want something better then this phone. The features are just BORING to me!

I had a man, for what, a year and 4 months. That ended on his behalf (because of trust, long story) and when I look back at it, I wasn't quite satisfied. I did complain about it, but never really opened myself out to him. The conversations we used to have in the relationship, it was good, but the communication was not enough to satisfy me. Then, when we hung out... I still didn't feel satisfied. I wanted him to be around me more than just seeing each other for about 20 minutes a WEEK (and no I am not forcing it) Sex... no lie, it was good, but not that much satisfying (I want more, but in a different way). I don’t think I need to write what I want from sex. Basically I wanted more in a relationship!

I want a man where I can call him and ask him to scoop me up with no problem. I want him to be able to call me and tell me to get dressed; he’s on his way and has no question about it.

Yea sex is satisfying, but not at the times where you want it the way you want it. Nice and Slow (not too damn slow), but whereas we take the time to show each other how we feel. The soft kisses, soft touches (I hate rough touching, the grabbing and all that bullshit aggressiveness is not all that great ALL THE DAMN TIME u know), the foreplays, the just everything going smoothly.

Money! Money! Money! Everything cost money. I have bills to pay, and when I pay it off… why am I getting another one almost the next day! I have a job, its great you know, the environment, the people I chill with they’re cool. But the pay is low… I don’t want to work somewhere the pay is low. Who would want to work somewhere that pays low?
The manager is a straight up BITCH. I hate her with passion. My old manager was seriously cool. I mean I can actually say to someone that “Yo, *laughing* that’s my dog!” I want my old manager back (she was promoted somewhere else).

I’m never satisfied. Am I the only one? Are you satisfied with everything that comes across you? I’m never happy with what I get…

It may not be as pleasing to me, but I need to learn to live life like it’s my last and be satisfied with everything, but I can’t…damn

I Hate Being Cut Off...

Yo, I hate when I am speaking to someone about something and they straight up cut me off while I am speaking to speak to someone else.

I find that RUDE!

I mean damn, I'm trying to talk to you and you just straight up cut me off and speak to someone else. I mean can I get a HOLD ON, WAIT JUST A SECOND, HOLD THAT THOUGHT??? NO! I just get cut off!

There are times where I have left that alone but damn, now its getting to me. And what makes me more mad that you have the nerve to say I have an attitude because I don't want to finish telling you what I was saying. C'mon.... give me a freaking break. Don't come at me with that shit when your the one being rude by cutting me off. If you have something more important to do than to hear what I want to say to you, say you need to call me back or then don't bother to call me.

That shit bothers me so much. I hate when people do that to me in general... I can not stand it UGH! I know someone wouldn't like that to happen... I mean usually I'll tell the person to hold on for a sec to finish what I was doing.

You know what... its whatever! Fuck it!

Damn...

I have realized something today because I have done something that is out of line.

I was with someone recently and you know same old thing, we split up. Now it has been 2 month since we separated. I mean yea, we're friends and people think that after dating it never works out to be friends. I don't believe in that kind of crap. I think its because you choose not to be friends. I on the other hand, have made a decision to be friends with this person. I have no problem with that. I mean most of all my X's, we have become cool. One of them ended up being my best friend (who died 3 years ago, bless his fallen soul).

Now... most people, they still you know, fool around with their X because they want to feel wanted. Well, I'm like that. I love getting attention and if I'm not getting it from someone that I want it from, then better believe I will find it somewhere else. The thing is, its not the attention whereas sex is involved. I just love to have comfort from someone....I mean who doesn't want to be held. I love being held and I love getting attention at times. I loved to be kissed and all that, but I don't think I need to get into that again, LOL.

Let me just get to the point. I was chilling with so and so, and things were straight. But you know, when two people have been together for a long time (year and some change... well its not that long) the same routine happens because you are so used to that person. Something happened between us that I thought would actually you know, bring us more closer. I'm not trying to make him feel salted, but when things had went down, my mind was racing for something new with someone else that I have mentioned before. Do I still care for this person, yea I do. But this is the thing I just realized...my feelings for him is not the same at all. And the way I found this out was because of what happened. I tried it before. But at that time, it was because it was the spare of the moment, and it did kind of bring us back somewhere in a way. But this time...it's not the same and I feel guilty. Why? Because I know how he feels about me.

Your probably wondering, do I know what I want. And yes I do know what I want... which is us not having to go through what were going through right now. But since that was done, I want something new in my life... not even something, it's someone and I have found that person. I want to tell him this, but then again, there are some times when I have gone through just a phase and I don't know if this one is just a phase. The only way I can find out if it is, is to take it day by day and see where my feelings fall... for him or for the person I have been feeling for (which I know it will be him).

But DAMN, I hate this shit.

My Dream...

I had a weird and scary dream today...

I woke up this morning for class as my usual routine and I went to breakfast with my roommate and then waited until 10 for my Biology class. Once I stepped into class, the teacher said she didn't feel well to lecture so she gave us extra credit and a take home quiz that is due after spring break. So I was out about 10.15, went to my dorm to use the computer for a while then dozed off on my bed.

Now, this is something that I never dreamed before. All I know is that, I was running for my life. I was running and crying at the same time, but didn't understand why. All of a sudden, I see my father behind me screaming at me and I was screaming NO! I didn't understand why I was screaming no and also why my father would be chasing me. Then the next thing, I see him jump into his car to go after me, but I ran through this park called Franklin Park. I hid in the dark and called one of my boys for help. I was screaming into the phone to my boy and he didn't understand what was wrong. So I told him to meet me somewhere to come get me. The thing is, I started to tell him why I was crying and running from my father, but the other thing is, I don't know what I was telling him, which is scary. When I was speaking to him, there was only silence.

So later that night, he came to pick me up, which was somewhere I am not familiar with at all. Got into his car and was happy I was in car since his tints are serious, so you can't spot nothing in it. So I told him to drive me real far from Boston.... we ended up in Cape Cod. He rented a hotel for me, and I asked him to stay with me because I was real scared, but I don't know what I was scared of. So he spent the night with me and I felt a little relieved from it.

I called my best friend to let her know what had happened from my boys phone instead of my phone because I thought my parents would trace my phone calls (story is weird huh?) and told her everything I guess, just like I told my boy, and the samething happened. I couldn't hear what was being said on the phone to my best friend. Later on that day I called one of my girls, and she told me she would help me out. She called me back on my boys phone and told me I had a plane ticket for me to go to Miami the next day. I said ok.

Next thing I know I was on the plane the next day and was in Miami that afternoon. Someone I knew down there came to get me and I was happy and told him everything that had happened to me, once again, couldn't hear what had happened :o(

So I call my brother on a phone from Miami and talked to him through my cousins nextel instead of his cell phone. I started crying hard and started talking about what happened that night, and AGAIN, I couldn't understand what was being said. All I know that was said was, "he's looking for you and theres a search out. Mom wants you to come home, she's scared, but honestly, STAY DOWN THERE... its better for you because now your safe."

Then I woke up from right there with a little tear in my eyes... I don't understand this dream at all... and the way I was running made it seem so real and my father's anger, seem so real also.

I don't know... right now, I'm just scared that something similar to this will come about.

Special Night...

It’s one o’clock in the morning. The stars are bright and the moon is tight. I’m coming from my longs hours of driving. All I could do while I’m driving is, think of you and you only. I drive up to my private spot --- far away from my home town. As I arrive into my driveway I stare at my spot loving the way it’s out there, glass walls, glass stair case, marble panel, and flourished white pearl leather furniture. I step into my two-door palace. As I step one foot forward, I feel as if someone’s lurking shadow is intertwined around me. But I pay no mind to it. I walk slowly thru the halls while the stars and the moon beam into my house thru the glass walls, lighting my place. I see my shadow pursue right behind me as if it was another me. As I keep walking, I reach to my stairs leading to my two-door bedroom. Every step I would take, a piece of attire would come off. Seeing that I reach to my room --- the only thing that positions on my chocolate dark body is my low-cut panties and bra. But before I step inside, I look back to check upon any movements in my spot. But the feeling of someone’s presence made me wound up. I shut my doors slowly behind me --- walking and lighting every black candle I had that made my room glow as Gold that lies on my body. I step into the bathroom and do the same. I turn on my stereo that played slow jams in my room where my entertainment system is and also the bathroom.

I turn the water on slowly to hot --- steaming the bathroom to the point you could not see my body thru the glass. I step in forward feeling the passionate heat striking every curve of my body, but soothingly. I start to take my hands and slowly move it up from my smooth down well cut hair down to my face, my neck, chest, stomach, and thighs. After reaching my thighs, “SEX ME” comes on. I set out to fantasize you being in that hot steamy shower with me. Then I start to romanticize deeply and I get into the music. I begin to feel my body again --- 2nd verse of “Sex Me” made me do more... I proceed to run my hand down and then begin to pleasure myself. After a couple of moans, my shower door slowly opens. Knowing there was a shadow accompanying me --- I was right about my suspicions, on the contrary I didn't panic. You step in and I turn looking at you. You then start off to touch my face then feeling my wet body. Then you kiss me softly on my lips with yours. You slowly introduce me with your tongue in my mouth and slowly move it around my tongue ring. My body became covered with goose bumps from your hand hitting my weak points. You slowly move your hand to my hair free pussy and gradually rub it. Then you inject your long finger into my tight pussy and make me feel intense. You slowly kiss my neck then my chest. Every move you would make I would love it. “Seems Like Your Ready” comes to play on the speakers then I start to pleasure you. After a while, I whisper in your ears softly “let’s move this to the bedroom.” So my naked wet body exits out into the steam outside the shower and I evaporate. But you come searching for me in the mist. You watch me climb onto my king-size bed through the drapes that wrapped around 4 poles on each corner. I slowly draw back on my black satin sheets, pointing my finger towards you directing it towards me. You come onto my bed then rest straight on your back. I get on top of your wet body then I proceed to kiss your chest. I gradually slip you inside me letting you feel the wet warm pussy. I set off this way to make you feel good baby. You take your hands and caress my 36C cups passionately while I slowly ride daddy dick. I proceed in a pace to make the pussy feel good. The pace goes on slow until you wanted more. Doing this you get up to switch position. You get on top of me and insert yourself inside me. The strokes of you going in and out lengthy, but it made me feel so good! You whisper in my ears, “Baby I need you...” I respond, “I need you to baby...” You say more to me, “I want you so badly!”, and “I want to be with you forever!” As you say those sweet phrases “Looking for Love” plays. I reply to you, saying, “Baby, I’ll never leave you!” Every stroke you took inside made me feel one with you, whole and complete! ”Stroke You Up” pops on --- you turn me around and put it on me. However, this time it is not wild. We both are going with the beat. As this was happening, you would kiss me on my backside on my spots, then you would begin to suck on my neck, but gently... with your tongue slowly going in circular motion. We go on for hours and the stereo starts to play R. Kelly. That is where it began to get real good. “The Greatest Sex” has just happened and it is the greatest sex I ever engaged in. As we both cum, I lay down to get my strength back just as you do. I turn over to lie on your chest, where the night ended, with words that blessed that special night of making love...

Have You Ever...

Damn I haven't been in here for a while... but read...

Have you ever met someone that had almost all the qualities that you wanted, but something just has to keep it away from you?

Well that is exactly what I am feeling at this moment. I actually have been feeling this for a couple of days... and I know it will continue. And I know for a fact, the more I get close to it, something will come again to take it away.

I have been talking to Jane Doe, and we clicked real quick. I mean shit was perfect, matter fact, WAY TO PERFECT! The way we talked about anything just made me feel so good. I actually got comfortable with Jane Doe, I felt I knew him for years. The way things went smoothly made me open to him, which I can't with others. I have a hard time to express myself most of the time, and with this person, it seems real different. He's so simple but so complex at the same time. INDEPENDENT, AMBITIOUS, SMART, REAL CUTE, FUNNY, can be enjoyable, basically everything I want (for those who have checked my BP page.) and more. He understands me, and I can feel that he can. He actually listens to what I have to say without no negative comment. His comments are so real and meaningful. His personality really caught me to the heart. This is something that never happened to me before, and I'm taking it day by day. Everytime I talk to him, I actually feel something. I mean it usually takes time for me to be close to a person and express myself in a certain way. But him, naw, a whole different story.

I know it sounds like I'm going so fast, but that's not what I am trying to do. I am taking my time to get to know him even more, but I feel so comfortable around him and everything. But the only thing that is holding me back right now is the fact he had to leave.

I would write more, but its late and I need some sleep for class tomorrow morning.

I hate this right now.

My Wants & Needs...

I want a car.
I want a Honda Civic Ex Coupe 2004.
I want the inside lights blue.
I want a sunroof and a spoiler.
I want a nice system in my car.
I want my car black.
I want tints on my windows.
I want bright blue head lights.
I want a leather interior.
I want blue neonlights.

I need a massage.
I need to be massaged with hot oil.
I need my lower back massaged.
I need my thighs massaged.
I need my arms to be massaged.
I need my legs to be massaged.

I want to start a new life.
I want to start out fresh with everything.
I want a new house.
I want new people in my life.
I want to start a new relationship with my father. :o(
I want people to believe in me.
I want to be happy all the time.
I want to feel free.
I want a new look.
I want to live somewhere different.
I want to experience a whole new environment.
I want to go to a better school.
I want to be a Nurse, Business Woman, and a Architect.

I need a man who is very intelligent.
I need a man who has his priorities straight.
I need a man who wants to achieve his goal.
I need a man who I can talk to about anything in mind.
I need a man who can share his knowledge with me when I am curious.
I need a man to forfill my sexual desires.
I need a man who can make me feel comfortable.
I need a man who is HONEST.
I need a man who I can DEPEND on.
I need a man to believe in, trust, and have faith in.
I need a REAL MAN.
I need a man that I won't be ashame to call him a MAN!!
I need a man to PROVIDE my needs.

I want a true friend.
I want a friend that I can count on.
I want a friend who is there to go down with me.
I want a friend who won't leave me all alone.
I want a friend who will not forget who I am.
I want a friend who I can call friend.
I want a friend who will always be by my side.

....damn... imma have to keep dreaming.