Tears...

It brings tears to my eyes when the one who brought you into this world, took care of you, and loved you thinks that you are just fucking around with guys and then might end up pregnant. :o(

My father and I never had a bond they way my mother and I have. We would always say hi, give a kiss on ea. others cheeks and go our way. But we know for a fact that the love is there when we do not speak. We would sit in a room together and not say a word at all but feel the love and warmth between us.

Now... I am afraid of my father. What kind of child needs to feel fear once they step foot into their home because of their father? I should not have to feel this at all. As a daughter, I should feel happy and secure in his presence. But that is just the opposite. Why? Because I never knew something between me and my father would happen.

I felt something that no young women should feel. I have seen things no child should see. Everyone has their own issue to deal with in their own eyes. And I have been dealing with this issue since Prom night. And it has not left my sight at all. What's even worse is something that I have felt since the summer of 2004, one week before I moved onto my school campus.

I had got into a dispute with my father one night and that night was the worst night I can possibly live and think of. It started off with disagreements over boys, which I am not surprised about. I mean whos father would never make a big deal about their daughter dating or even seeing just a male friend? Well, that's what we were going at it for. My mother got into, and you know, it got worse. I mean if I could just remember what was being said, I would write it. I try to erase mostly everything that had happened that night, but this one thing would never leave. But like I was saying, we were having disagreements and it really got intense because I was just fed up with everything. And then this happened... ever felt punch by a man who is heavy-handed? Well I have.... was it a nice site, oh yea, to him it was. He thought he felt like a man laying his hands on his daughter. When I felt this sharp pain... I just couldn't believe it... I mean, my own father? WHY? I didn't do anything...

But after he did this... I got up from the floor and left the house. I couldn't take it anymore. Now ever since that summer night, things just went down the hill with my father. In my culture, we are suppose to show respect by kissing their father or anyone who comes to the house on the cheek. When its the time for me to do this to my father, so much pain comes into my soul. I look at him with hate, but my heart still shares this love because he IS my father. But I shouldn't have to feel scared, unhappy when I am at home. But I do feel this. There are nights when I reminisce about this night with my father and tears would just fall from my eyes. But more keeps coming at me.

It sucks that my father compares me to my older sisters and cousins that have done worse things than I have. Look at my two cousins... both got pregnant... one had an abortion. My half-sister beats on her mother and older sister, goes out of control, fucks all the time, and disrespect everyone... and I... I will always be looked at as one of them. He will always think that I will do what they have done. I'm my ownself. I'm no one else but me. I do not follow people. I have my priorities straight. I know what I want in life... and it's nothing they have done and caused.

My father has no faith in me, and not one bit of trust because he sees what they have done. So it all comes to me. And I hate that!!! This, actually brings tears to my eyes. Getting this phone call from my mother who understands me better than anyone killed me today. My own father... thinks I'm some type of bitch who is sleeping with every nigga I have chilled with. What do I really look like? I'm not that type. C'mon, be for real... I'm actually scared to open myself to boys. I can never see myself fucking every nigga they get in contact with. I'm known as the shy, quiet girl. And the only way for me to open up and speak is IF I find interest in you. And If I did, no way in hell would I let you in me.

I just wish he would stop all this. Its seriously hurting me and my mother. And its always about boys. I mean, how would he really feel if I were to tell him that I don't like men... I like females. That is something I know that he should get at me... not over no damn boy. I have so much anger and pain... I want to let it all out, but all I can do is cry. I understand that it is hard to realize that your little girl is not little no more... but damn DEAL WITH IT!

:tear tear: