Random Thoughts...

I'm just sitting here on my laptop just thinking a whole bunch of things. Some of them are just stupid things and others are important to me.

The first thing that pops in my mind right now is SEX... yes once again, sex! Seriously I need a man to turn my inside out right now. I just want someone to just make me scream my head off with good pleasure and I want to just put it back on them, I have been craving for this for too long. My last time actually receiving some BOMB ASS SEX was at the end of November to the beginning of December. Damn, it has been too damn long, lol. I was wishing I received that on my Birthday, HA...I was wishing to damn hard.

Last Wednesday was a nice hot day. I went to Revere Beach rolling deep in three cars. It was fun. I was driving my girls car with a couple of my others in the car, while my x was with his home girl and her cousin and his boys in another car. The night ended nice too... slept at my x's crib then woke up early in the morning to go to my school for class the next couple of hours of that day. The night was beautiful because it was raining all that night. Just hearing the sound of the rain was just peaceful to him and I. We spoke about so many things. The feeling of being able to spend the night with him without no sexual contact made everything special to me. All that was shared was a kiss on the forehead and cheek. I respected that 100% and he did the same. I wish there was more of those nights.

I've been thinking about getting back with my x. I mean there has been so many moments between me and him that its bringing us closer. I mean, before it was him who was trying to make everything better for the both us. He would call, he would try to see me, take me out, chill with me at school...all that, but I didn't really care much for all that. Literally, we would get into some serious agruements on things that was not even that serious. Yea, I'll admit... I was a serious BITCH to him. I had my reasons. But now I have calmed that down for a while and things have been getting better between us. I hope it continues. However, I can't go on... I have someone specail

School is about to be over in 2 more weeks. My first college experience was a privilage to me. I enjoyed every last bit of it (except the first month). I do not regret anything of what I done. My room mate is a cool person who I am rooming next Sept. I was hoping to get a single, but all is well to me. I don't have to worry about living with a whole new stranger. However, both of us is on the waiting list for a single room because of a situation I am going through. So hopefully by then end of the summer I'll find out what the deal is.

I seriously miss my best friend. As I am writing this, I keep looking at his picture that sits on my desk. Damn he had a seksi smile. It would have been hot to see him experiencing what I was experiencing in college. I can just see him saying "Daaaaaaammmnnnn!! All girl college, dogg... you know the deal, where the cuties at!?" LOL... I can just hear his voice. Damn, its been a hot minute since he came into my dream to say whats up. I have so many questions that he hasn't answered yet...I seen his brother like last week I believe, God he looks just like his brother. Its scary!! On top he walks and talks just like him. Its like he lives in his little brother now, just starting all over but from the 8th grade. I just wish....

My first love asked me to come spend the day with him on his birthday. At first, I thought about going. But something was sinking into my head that he just wanted ass. I know this is typical of me to think that, but its true. How many times has he asked me to chill before and he attempted to do it? Yea. But be for real, why me? You have a girl who you say you love, so why not ask her to spend the day with her instead. It could have been on some friendship status, but since when. You call me when your boys have seen me at a party or walked down the street, never on your own will. Whatever, I'm over him and hes over me...NEXT!

My semester is going to BUSY!!! Taking 2 science courses, a language, and English. The science is going to kill me. Majoring Biology is serious!! Good luck to me huh?

I'm broke as fuck. I need money to pay my bills (which is still late), get my hair done, all that type of shit. I no longer have a job because they were not paying me enough to pay my bills and other needs like buying food and drinks for my room. However, I just got hired at another job which is trying its hardest to get in contact with my manager for preference. But my old manager is acting a fool and is not returning the calls... grimey huh? She wasn't happy that I left. My other manager...I HATE HER WITH PASSION. She made me hate my job everytime I seen her face. She's just rude, arrogant, ignorant with her comments, self-centered, bitch! Basically every bad name in the book. I can not stand her. UGH I want her gone. No one likes her...

My father is leaving for Haiti tomorrow. I shedded a couple of tears. Why? I do love my father you know, even though we go through so much. The fact that I am not here to see him leave just hurt me. I'm so used to seeing him leave. I don't know... but it just hurts.

Went to the club last night (Tabu). Paid $15 to get in. What type of "ish" is that?? On top of that, people were standing there the whole night. I seriously went on the dance floor with my 2 girls and started pulling niggas to dance. Damn, the one I was dancing was FIONE, lol! I was feeling him that whole night. I practically danced with him all night. Not on purpose, he chose to dance with me. He was also a good dancer. For some odd reason, when I think of a good dancer, someone I know pops in my head. I don't why, but he does.

Yo, i got class at 10.30am. I need to catch up on some Zzz's right now, so until next time...
*Seksi*

Bills Bills Bills...

OMG... I have to many bills to pay... and all together is more than I can afford....

OMG...OMG...OMG... I'm on a serious BUDGET. WTF am I going to do??

One minute I finish paying one, the next... I get the same thing over again... and when I am finish with that one, a different bill comes for something else...

Please someone help me... I hate this feeling of my mind going crazy over all these bills!!!

Why can't this go away????????

This SUCKS!!!

Happy Birthday to Me...

I am now 20 years of age... DAMN!

Just the other day I was having a conversation with the family about when I was born. They told me as a I was growing up I was a difficult child but at the same time a wonderful one too. I would act a fool at times when food was around me. They said that I never wanted to eat. And when they gave me food, right on the spot I would throw up...lol. They told me when I was little, I never wanted to learn how to walk..., lol, it's funny how I started to walk. My uncle waved a chicken leg in front of me and said the only way I would be able to get it is if I walk towards me. Well, there I went... I walked. After learning how to walk, I never sat down. I was always running in the house. Until this day, I believe I was like that as a child because I would be running for no apparent reason to do something.

As the conversation was getting deeper about me, they told me I was a child who loved to spend my day out with my uncles. I never wanted to stay put in one place. I would cry if someone would not take me out. And once AGAIN, I am still the same... besides the crying, lol.

Through my years of growing up, I have learned a whole lot about life. However, I continue to learn more, which I am hoping is for the better of my life. I never thought that I would live to see the age 20. I mean I feel old because I was the first born in my family (on my moms side). Everyone looks up to me and expects me to show a GREAT DEAL of good examples in life.... damn I wish all the pressure was not all on me.

Last night I rented a limo for the hell of it for my birthday. Hey, who wouldnt want to treat themselves for their birthday?! Shoot, I actually spoiled myself for my birthday. Hey, I only live once, so why not take this opportunity. The limo price was fair also, everyone who went thought I had a good deal. I was excited for this day. I had my girls and my boys in the limo. I mean the people that I wanted to be in it couldn't/didnt come. I know some good reasons, but the other, I'm not even gonna sweat it like that. We all went to go eat, drove around, and then went to Club Visions. Everything was well that night. At the stroke of midnight, everyone called me to say Happy Birthday to me.

My day was cool, but of course I was wishing for it to be better and for it to not to end at all. Next year, I'm going to REALLY spoil myself. Can you say H2 HUMMER... HOLLA, lol! :oD

Slacking Hard & More Thoughts...

Ok.. I'm seriously fucking up this semester in school. I have this habbit when I know school is about to be over, I seriously SLACK HARD! I mean damn, I need to stop doing this because I always tend to mess up my GPA when I do that. Its been a habit for 4 years already...

I want to major in Nursing, but right now I'm undecided. So next semester, which will be in the fall and I would be a sophmore, I'm going to major in Nursing. The classes I am taking at this moment have nothing to do with my major for the near future except for one class.... Biology. The rest are to get credit. I'm taking Web Design (which I am really slacking on right now), Photography(its ok... I just need to pass in my portraits that I took by this upcoming Thursday), and also I am taking First Year Seminar (where they help us with our portfolios). The only class that I like taking at this moment is Biology, but that is hard... so much to mesmerize in that class. Like today, I had an exam... I had ten pages of notes to study and on top of that I had the book. Ight its not that much, but I left that shit for last minute. Usually when I am in class, I pay close attention to what the teacher explains. But for the past two weeks, DAMN... I have been dozing off in class because my mind is confused and wonders around. So last night I came back on campus to chill with my peoples... and thats when it came to mind that I have an exam the next morning. OMG... my ass stayed up until almost three in the morning trying to study and all that crap. Then I took more notes on the things I did not understand clearly so that was more for me to study. I woke up at 630 to study even more, went back to bed around 830am then after woke up again for breakfast and studied some more. Usually when I study last minute, I get good grades... but this time, I dont think I did good on that exam. I seriousy blanked out when I came to the last three pages of the exam. I dont know, I'll just have to find out what I get in the next couple of days.

I have like almost three weeks to do a miracle to get my grades up. DAMN MAN....

NEXT Topic...

Ight... I have liked this guy since the day I have met him. DAMN, this dude look DUMB GOOD, lol, NO LIE!!! I mean, every girl who has seen him said he was seksi. I call him the forbidden fruit because I can't touch that. But then again its very tempting... basically it's almost like the story of Adam and Eve but just a ghetto version and a little twist to it, lol. I met him the summer of 2003 with one of my boys, which is a bad thing because he is one of his closest friend. But that was the only time I met this dude. So after seeing him only once, you know I just forgot about him and then I got real close to my boy and started dating him. I went out with him for a year and 3 months. But during the times I was going out with him, forbidden fruit started to pop up into the picture by chilling with us and all that, which in my mind was a bad thing. Why, you may ask... because what I felt the first time I met him came back to me real hard and it was to the point that I felt something needed to be done. But I never stepped up to the plate because No. 1, I didnt think I was his type No. 2, hes one of those ppl where you just think you would never have a chance with and No. 3 he looked to damn good to even look in your direction. And damn well I knew I was shy around this muthafucka...lol. Just everything about him attracted to me. He basically had the qualities that I want in a man. Don't get me wrong, the dude I was going out with, I did not have a problem with him, but you know when you know what you want and its there, that is what you want to aim for. But I didnt but I want to, but its not my damn place.

But still, thats what I want and I know that I want that. My mind was made the first time I seen this dude. His personality is just beautiful, like his mind is on point on what he wants in life and everything. His smile is beautiful, his eyes are seksi. His body... dont get me started. Plus, there are other things that I am attracted to that he has. He makes me laugh, which is a plus because I love to smile all the time. He can keep a convo, which is another plus. I hate sitting on the phone and there is dead silence. It urks me a whole lot. Not only that, when I ask questions (I'm a curious person who is determined to learn things and have more knowledge) he is there to answer me without no attitude and all the other bull crap to put me down (unlike some other people). He's very smart. I mean the way he speaks and lets me know things, just damn! I mean when I would go through something he would sit there and listen to me and just be there and not put me down, which is another plus. Most people (no names) I would go to when I have a problem would just cut me off and say I dont want to hear it, or they would just straight up and just give me some bull crap that they would rather me talk to them the next day about my problem. I hate that shit. I mean there was a situation where I went through and niggas just fell asleep on me right there on the spot. WTF!? I was salted. But when I told him, he was there to listen and gave me some advice. And also I would sit there and listen to what he had on his mind.

I like that type of relationship I had with this person. But the thing is, it sucks that I dont talk to him no more. I wish that things was still going on between us. I dont know, maybe it stopped for a reason. I always look at a situation as a reason to happen. I can't help it. I dont know... we'll see if things come back...

NEXT Topic...

April 18th is my birthday. I will be 20 years old and I feel like I'm old lol. I know 20 is not an old age, but when you are growing up, just damn, I just think I'm not young anymore... the teen life is just gone.

I'm planning to do something special the night before my birthday, chill with my girls and my boys. Go out to eat and club right after since I dont have school the following the day. But when I think about it, I kinda want to chill with someone alone also. But I dont have a clue who. I also want to go somewhere far for the night and come back the next day or something. But I dont know, we'll see what happens that night.

NEXT Topic...

I got a phone call from someone I havent spoke to or seen for about 2-3 years. It was good to hear from him. We were on the phone for 4 hours straight, which means we had a good conversation :o). We really had to catch up on some serious things. I known this person since god knows when... the 3rd grade, lol. He moved from Mass to DC, and now hes in Maryland. Who does that?? But I know he wants to come back to Mass as soon as possible. I had fun talking to him on the phone. It was nice to be able to talk to him and a good thing to know things that I didn't know. The conversation went out smooth. I was shock because we really was not that close to tell each other things that we did on the phone... hmmm maybe its a sign of a new friendship between us. Ever since this call, we have been keeping in contact and I am happy about it. That really brought me a smile to my face after that.

NEXT Topic...

Last week on Tuesday I went to work around 6pm. I asked my x if he was able to come get me to bring me to work since my job is far from my school. He said no. I said ok, and he wanted to give me the whole nine yard of why he couldnt come get me. I told him I didnt want to hear it. But then he was like, he'll come get me after work. I said ok. So my best friends man (who has been taking me to work ever since god knows when) took me to work that night and I told him my c was going to pick me up. He said ok, which was cool. Now, work was about to end and I called my x to see where he was at. He never responded. So I left a message saying that time was coming. Work ended and I called again, and he never answered. Called the next couple of 5 minutes and he never answered. I stayed waiting for him for a half hour and he never showed up. What did u think I did... I got HEATED. SO of course I had no money, and I didnt have a jacket on. Mind you it was cold. So I had no choice but to take the bus. I got out of work at 930 and got exactly at school at midnight because I called my girl to come pick me up and bring me to school. DO YOU KNOW WHAT VEX MEANS??? Because that is what I was feeling that night. On top of that, he had some big balls to call on some shit that his chest hurt. WTF?? Did you not remember you were suppose to come get me at work. OMG, we got into a big arguement. He hung up. did I care. NO! He then called me back late that night and that was when I recieved that special phone call from the person I just wrote above about. I told him that I was going to be on that phone with him for a while so he said bye... again did it hurt me, no. The next day he tries to make it up by sending me an e-mail saying sorry... I didnt even take his apology. I just got fed up and gave up. I told him, there is no need for me to ask him for some favor no more. Nigga couldnt even acknowledge me that he was not coming through. And did he care, well I sure thought he didnt. AND to make it worst... nigga had the audacity to show up in my school thinking everything was ok?! UGH, that made me even more mad at him. I told you NO and you came anyway, which made matters worse....UGH I get fed up with dudes real easily!!! I havent really called him because I am still angry. Once I calm my anger out, maybe he might get a call from me...

Anywho, I gotta sign off since I got other things to do. Damn, I actually took some time off my hands to write in this blog... until next time, *Seksi*

Rest In Peace...

Today makes 3 years and 5 months since my best friends death. Til this day, it still brings a tear to my eyes since his death. He was a good friend, partner, brother to me and it sucks the way I lost him to some stupid shit that goes on in this world which is ridiculous.

His name was Geoffrey Dale Douglas. Knew him since I was 9 in the 3rd grade. Was close to him ever since I step foot in school. Had a little kiddy crush on him when I was in the 6th grade (lol). Maybe because I realized that we had so much in common. Then when 7th grade came, we finally went out. But I didnt have interest in him that time, but when we started talking more on the phone, we both realized we liked each other.... went out 5 freaking times from the 7th grade to the 8th, lol. Who does that?

A lot of things went on between us two. We fought, made up, joked around, got into trouble all the time, lol... damn I have so much memory. He was the one who inspired me to draw and take art classes at my high school. Even though I hated it because the teacher got on my nerves at time, but he always came to my mind to remember that he was the one who brought me into it. On top of that, I got into an AP Art class... which was a college course.

Geoffrey was shot for a chain that he had around his neck which was a gold cross piece that was big. Nigga always wanted to show things that he had off. And it got the best of him, which hurts. The good ones always die. After he was shot for his chain, the dudes didnt even take the chain, the dropped it and rain off. What kind of shit is that, I mean u want something take it. But I think its because they had beef with him so they started all that by using the chain to get at him.

Damn I miss this boy. He always had my back. Everyday after school, he would wait at the bus stop with me for my father, since he and I knew my father was always late to pick me up from school. He was always sitting next to me in school. We watched little kids together (when we hit the 8th grade, we would pick a lower class to watch on their lunch time and bring them to recess) which was the 3rd grade. I'm never going to forget the times when he would make a joke and start laughing so hard by HIMSELF and turn bright red. When we would see that, the whole class would start laughing. And when he would get into trouble with the teachers, all you heard him yell out was "It's cuz I'm Black" lol.

I remember how he would call me at my house and act like he was a girl so he can speak to me, since he knew my father was very strict! That used to get me laughing all the time. Plus I used to get mad scared because I thought my father would listen to my conversation. I used to stay talking to him until 11 at night but would whisper on the phone that I had to go because my father was walking in, lol. Damn those were the days.

I'm never gonna forget when we would run down to the bathroom and act a fool. Damn I miss those days chillin with him at his crib, the back yard of the school wearing his jacket and sitting next to him with my head on his right shoulder. There is so much things I remember.

It sucks that I dont have that guy best friend who was there for me all the time and I was there for him. The guy who was always there to provide a hug and a shoulder to cry over. He was the only one who could understand me and deal with all the shit I did. All these other guys always have this question mark on my face because they want to know what I am all about.

All I can do right now is pray, pay my respect to him, think of him every chance I get, and wish him the best up in heaven. All I ask of him is to be my guardian angel as well for others who were in his life and save a nice spot for me in the future. I just wish he can celebrate my 20th birthday that is soon to come up.

May you Rest in Peace Smokey...
*Seksi* (Love You Always) ::tear::