What Do You Mean??

Ok... I am sick and tired of men telling me I cant do half the things they do!

I was speaking to one of my boys today and I was talking about how I am about to sign up for driving class for motorcycles. I was really serious about it to. I have always wanted one. Pictured the one I wanted. Checked places that sells good qualities ... basically EVERYTHING! And all of a sudden he starts to laugh. I thought he was laughing because I did all that. SO I asked what are you laughing about. He goes and reply that a women can't ride those. WTF IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN??? Women can't ride those?? Ride what? Motorcycles... GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK!!! Women can do everything a man can do.

Like for another example. Cars. I want to hook my car up once I buy the one I want to hook up. "Yea right... chicks wouldn't be able to do that!" I want to drive stick "HA... YOU drive a stick? Please... your a girl!" I mean be for real. Niggas these days just do not know. All of this is making me want to achieve all this. Not to show them off... but to show myself that I can do anything a man can. I have a lot f spunk in me. I love to take chances in life and have fun while at it. So me and my girl decided to do these things that we always thought of doing. I can do anything I want if I just put my mind into it and not play no games. I have as much talent to do all this. I dont need a man to help learn about cars and have them hooked up. I dont need to pivk up no ride from no man either. I can take care of myself and be able to do all that they can!!! Niggas always want to put someone down. I HATE THAT SHIT!

I just cant wait...

Hate Towards Myself...

I hate when I do this to myself...

I start to reminece about things...

Things that would make me cry...

But I just can't help to think...

I know I should move on and live my life...

But the pain... it just HURTS so much inside...

Feels like I'm dying......

I can't get over my baby's death. (Nasa will be mad at me when she reads this blog)
I can't stop all the tears that comes out my eyes. I feel as if my tears are mine and his because we can no longer be together in reality. I feel as if when there are times that I cry he is crying because he can not be with me. But most of my times... it's just me crying, Two nights ago, I sat on my bed just shedded dreadful tears. I couldn't stop. Knowing that he is gone... I can't help it. I try so damn hard to be the strongest person that he would want me to be, but the pain resides in me and it continues to hurt. But it has come too intense.

I also ask for the pain. I can go on BP and check my notes. I look thru the ones I don't want and there I go reading his letters. Ic heck my email... and there I go again. I basically ask for it. One of the letters was stating how much he wanted to come back home. How his cousin Nasa and I were on his mind when the first incident happened to him. I can never forget how worried I was. I hadn't heard from him in about a week. And I kept thinking positive that nothing had happened to him. I kept thinking that he would be coming back home and everything would be ok. :'( All that was on my mind was him and only him! As I was reading his letter... I started to shed tears.

I know most people would be like get over it. Hes in a better place. But how? How could I just forget about him? What happened to him? EVERYTHING! The one thing that comes to mind is turning back the hands of time. Every individual thinks that way. Changing time. Changing the setting. Changing the environment. Changing the person because you may think that if they lived their lives "this way" nothing would have happened.

Every other night... I shed a tear. When I am walking, I shed a tear. When I listen to music, I shed a tear. When I see certain aspects of other people that he had, I shed a tear. When I think about certain things ... it reminds me of him and I SHED A TEAR! I CAN'T HELP IT!

I just need some time and space right now....

***MENTAL INTERCOURSE***

This is a poem that I received before Angel's death. I really cherish this poem. Before he died, he gave it to me. He said it reminded him of me when he read it. I can never throw this away.

PLEASE ALLOW ME TO SLIP YOU INTO SOMETHING COMFORTABLE SOMETHING LIKE YOUR MIND
THOUGHT PROCESS EXCITE ME. I`M STIMULATED BY YOUR KIND
DEEP AND HARD WITH THE WATERS OF CRITICAL THINKING
FLOWING LIKE THE RIVERS OF TIME CAN I GENTLY CARESS INTELLECT WITH CONCEPTS
THAT I HAVE CREATED WITH MINE. AS I UNDRESS YOUR THOUGHTS WITH MY EYES I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE IMAGINATION NEVER LIES
THE TRUTH IS ALL IN YOUR HEAD
I KNOW,BECAUSE SO AM I.
IT`S BETTER THAT WAY,WETTER THAT WAY BECAUSE CREATIVE JUICES NEVER STOP
FLOWING.
ALSO KNOWING, WHAT I WANTED YOU GAVE ME A PIECE OF YOUR INFORMATION YOU SEEM NERVOUS
MUST BE YOUR FIRST TIME SHARING YOUR MIND. DON`T WORRY IT WON`T HURT BUT YOU
MIGHT GET ADDICTED
BECAUSE ONCE YOU GET THE FEELING,ITS HARD TO STOP.
NO LONGER BEING RESTRICTED BY PHYSICAL LIMITATIONS HAVING THE FEELING TO DO IT
EVERYTIME
WHY ARE WE FEELING LIKE THIS?
I SEE YOU NOT IN PUBLIC THOUGH, SOME MIGHT SEE BUT THEY STILL WOULDN`T KNOW
HOW I SOFTLY LIKED YOU GRAY MATTER. AS WE ROLLED AROUND YOUR BRAINS MASTER
BEDROOM
TRYING NOT TO KNOCK ANYTHYING OVER. I KNOW IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS.
I KNOW NOBODYS EVER BEEN
THIS DEEP INSIDE OF YOU,YOU FEEL EXHAUSTED AND WE DIDN`T EVEN KISS
FEELING AS THOUGH YOU WERE ASLEEP
BUT IT WASNT A DREAM
AS I SLOWLY THRUST MY SWOLLEN CREATIVITY DEEP INSIDE YOUR
IMAGINATION,RHYTHIMICALLY, UNTIL OUR THOUGHTS
EXPLODE SIMUTANEOUSLY AND WE COLLAPSE IN MENTAL ORGASM
ARE YOU OKAY

It's Raining Again

I love the rain
I love the way it makes me feel at times
I feel so relaxed, calm, sincere, light
I love the sound it makes against my two windows hanging on my wall
I can never feel depressed when it comes to those days it rains
When it rains, I feel so comfortable to actually walk in it
I love to share a nice rainy day with someone by cuddling and getting closer to that person
I sit alone in my room reading a book when it rain
When it rains at night, I sleep better to it, I feel as if someone is singing to the beat of the rain hitting the ground

Today it has been raining all day. I have walked in it to do some things. I have also drove in it, but I like when I sit home and hear it dripping on my windows as I read, write, or just when I take naps. Most people hate the rain because it ruins their day. No lie, that has happened to me before... but there are times when I just do not care. It also makes me think a lot at times.

I dunno... maybe its just me

Updates...

School is out for me now... I've been working ever since the day I came out of school to pay my bills that needs to be gone.

Its been almost 2 weeks since my baby's death. I'm trying my hardest to be strong and not cry everytime he comes to mind. But its really hard not to shed at least one tear. I know as of this moment he wants me to be strong and know he will always be residing in my heart. But he knows deep down inside of me I want him to be here with me.

I asked this before but, damn it is MAY... Why is it still cold outside??

I'm dying from this stupid allergies (not literally)... I can't wait until its gone!

I need a car... I need to get away from this area. I need some time to myself badly. I just hope I can get it soon.

My Mood...

As if right now... my mood is

:o( I miss my baby...

"Feel It In The Air"...Angel

[Talkin]
My Spider senses is tinglin
Feel somethin, got my radars up

[Verse 1]
Somethin goin on, i feel funny cant tell me nuttin different
My nose twitchin Intuition settin in like steve vision
I still close my eyes, i still see visions
Still hear that voice in tha back of my mind
So what i do? i still take heathe, i still listen
I still paint that perfect picture,I still shine bright like a prism
My words still skippin - thru air
I know you cant, dont, wont get it
You n*ggas chose to ride that ship, sunk wit it
Im still afloat, i aint tha captain of tha yact but im on a boat
I aint actin what im not
Knowin that i dont, you n*ggas actin like you will but i know you wont, you wont I read between tha lines of ya eyes to ya brows
Ya handshake aint matchin ya smile
Ill holla, you n*ggas foul

[Hook:]
I can feel it in tha air
I can feel it in tha air
I can feel it in tha air
I can hear it in your voice
I can feel it in tha air

[Verse 2]
I sit alone in my 4 cornered room starin at hammers
Ready to go banannas
2 vests on me, 2 techs, extra clips on meI know my mind aint playin tricks on me
I aint skitz hommie
Aint no body drop a nick on me
Its like they tryna plot a set on me
I hear this voice in tha back of my mind like mack tighten up ya circle
Before they hurt you
Read they body language85% communication non-verbal, 85% swear they know you
10% you know they soft, man tha other 5... time'll show you, just know you
Then pull they strings, you tha puppet master**** them other bastards
Man watch who you puffin after
Play ya cards, go against all odds
Shoot for tha moon if you miss, you still amongst those stars

[Hook:]
I can feel it in tha air
I can feel it in tha air
I can feel it in tha air (i aint scared n*gga i aint goin no where)
I can hear it in your voice (can you feel me?)
I can feel it in tha air (can you feel me?)

[Verse 3]

Can you feel it, can you feel it floatin?
Without picture quotin, scriptures from revalation
Talk **** and got tha devil waitin
Body get stiff, so levitate
Why do i speak blasphemy?
Knowin one day that he'll ask for me
Ask for my sins
No one'll feel his wrath for me
I go thru it, so you wouldnt do it...after me
As for meIm still circlin tha block before im parkin
Not bitchin, im just still cautious
Same black parka, same uzzi, extra clips, still clappin wit that same larkin
Damn, i feel it in tha air, you not sincere
N*gga it aint an us, or we, or ima thing
Its a good/bad karma thing
This a song man the honest sing
I swear i feel somethin honestly

[Hook:]
I can feel it in tha air
I can feel it in tha air
I can feel it in tha air
I can hear it in your voice
I can feel it in tha air.... By: Beanie Sigel

This song, he kept telling me he couldn't stop listening to it. And when I read these lyrics... it hurts that this was stuck to him. I just wish he would have moved back to Boston knowing that niggas were looking for him in Miami. I just wish his mom wasn't selfish. I wish someone would have stopped him...

I'm still hurt... :(
Now this song is stuck to me...

What's Next...

No seriously what's next....

My best friend that died three yrs ago had no justice. Why am I finding out the trial was FUCKED UP... they didn't find the killers guilty... with all the evidence and witnesses that was against these niggas, ya'll didn't find them GUILTY!?!? THIS IS STR8 BULLSHIT to me!!!

I hate this world.... I hate life right now. The government is FAKE to me. Everything is just fake to me. No one cares. No one wants to help stop all this

I mean be for real...

I can't keep shedding my tears... just last night I went through something and now I'm hearing this shit. WTF IS GOING ON???

.:crying:.

Falling Tears...

Today, May 5th 2005... my baby died. :(

It hurts me as I write this. As I write, I start to breathe hard and tears just fall down. I can't even type....

We were together for almost 3 months. Everything was perfect. No one knew about me and him going out. They just knew we were talking. I spoke about him before in my blog.

His name is Angel. Funny how his name is Angel huh? First time we met, me CLICKED!! And I never thought that my feelings for him would come out the way it did. I fell really hard for him just as he did for me. The thing that killed both of us was the fact he had to go to Miami. I begged him to stay as well as his cousin who I am very close to from High School. But he wanted to follow his heart instead of his mind. His mind was saying to stay in Boston, but his heart was telling him to go to his mother. However, his mom knew the situation he had down there, so why bring him back to it. He was trying to get away from what he was involved in years ago. And him showing his face brought him trouble down there. Well... now...(long pause, falling tears) he's gone.

I would talk to him and say how much I miss him. How much I needed to see him. He would tell me the same. I was his wifey he would always tell me. I know it sounds to early to feel all these emotions, but we felt like this for a long time. I blame myself for this, but his cousin said I shouldn't. Just Tuesday night we were talking, and he mentioned on buying me a diamond ring. I told him no. But he insisted in buying it, even though I said he didn't have to how many times. Yea, he knows I always wanted a diamond ring... but I didn't want him to get it... Today...he went to a jewelry store in Miami to buy the ring even though I said he didn't have to. As he walked out from the store to the car, someone calls his name out and shoots his 6-7 times. Died instantly...

WHY????? PLZ TELL ME WHY??? He was a good person. Yes he has done some wrongs in the past, but he was young and naive. He didn't know better, but he finally realized he didn't need the life he was in. Moved to Boston to change. Was a smart MAN!! Got a job in the Law firm for a yr to raise money to go to college in Sept. (long story of why he didn't go before) He had his own place, own his own cars (4...no lie...he dragged race to win two) he had his head on his shoulder, knew what he wanted in life, was in LOVE with GOD... went to church and prayed... and this is what he gets? I have been crying for 3 hours straight. I just hated the way it came to me. I felt something was wrong today... and when I came back to my dorm, I found a message from his cousin online. His boy from Miami was telling his cousin to tell me. They knew the deal between us, but I didn't know they knew so much. There were things that I didn't know either. He called his cousin(the one i knew since high school) and told her to tell me...

He loved me, that he cared for me so much. I had him open up and understand his mind and did the same. He never had a girl that would make him feel the way he does...etc. And then the next day, which is today... he died. WHY?? I just want to know WHY??

I just want my baby to know, I care for him so much. He knew so much so quickly that it was scary. He understood me... just like my best friend who died. I opened up my heart to him that I never thought I would again. I just wish you never left boston... I just wish I was in your arms the whole night. Now I won't be able to feel his touch, his lips...hear his voice because of this stupid shit.

Just WHY??? WHY him?
.:crying:.

Boredom

BORED as hell...

This weather sucks. I mean c'mon its MAY... why is it cold??

I get out of school next week... I have so many things to pack up this weekend and bring back home. Can someone help me?

Aww I talked to my baby Angel...

You know what? I'm about to go hit the spa... I'm off this!