Choices...
Music Playing: Footprints by TOK
My life... is based on choices I make for myself.
I have made some choices that I didn't have to make but I insisted on doing it just to help other people. But what do I get out of the choices I make.........................................................nothing.
I made a choice in life of not holding back anything anymore because this is not what I want in life. I can not keep balling things in when it makes me weak and not true to my own self. I look into the mirror and ponder what kind of person am I? Why am I abusing myself by lying, hiding things when sometimes they are meant to be out.
I have learned that there are things that are meant to be kept inside and other things that should be out.
I had a situation last week whereas, my x and I were having a conversation about basically everything about life and what we want and also him and I splitting apart. I know I can not have him back. But I made a choice of telling him something that I held in for so long because I couldn't take staring into his eyes and lying to him. (When I think about it, I am not a bad person, and I am certainly not crazy in the mind. People look at me crazy because they wouldn't have the balls and heart to speak what they have on their mind.) That's not what I was brought up to be. I'm not the type of person whereas I do something and know what I am doing and lie about it. WHY LIE...?
Anyways, back to what I was saying, when we got on the topic about us, or should I say him and I, it came to the point of telling him everything that I hid because I just didn't want to be in a position where people would view me in some way. But when I think about it, either way of the situation, I am viewed as something negative. I told him everything, who told me he cheated, who broke us apart, what I did with his boy, how close his boy and I were, everything he did not expect to come out my mouth. In all honesty.... I felt happy finally telling the truth to him. I felt this big pain just vanishing/escaping from my soul. You just do not understand how much it felt good. However, I did feel bad.... real bad. I hesitated for a while, especially when he stated "We're not together for a reason so just tell me....blah blah blah" Why did I hesitate, because it did hurt. It hurt to know I wouldn't gain nothing from me telling him the truth, no reward, no kiss, no hug, no respect!!! But I got respect for myself for finally opening myself out to him.
We got into an argument and you know the usual... you get upset and say things by blowing up that persons spot. Things that I did not expect. However, it's whatever to me. It doesn't phase me..... at all. I have to emphasize how good I felt telling him. I wanted to tell him from the beginning, but I held it in because I couldn't find the words. But that day I just gave in..... but it was too late. Part of me asks....was it meant to come out? Did I do the right thing? Was I wrong for speaking the truth even though it was not worth it? WAS IT EVEN WORTH IT???? But the results that I received gave me the answer.... and to all the questions I have asked... I don't think it was worth it by a long shot.
So now.... his boys know what the deal is. They get mad, because that's suppose to be "their boy" That's understandable!!!! But when I spoke to the person who I ratted out for some reason my heart and kindness and all that bullshit kicked in. I felt bad that I was ruining a friendship over something that was sort of the past and present. I felt bad because he needed his boys friendship. But then again when you think about it, if you wanted that "special" friendship.... you would have never crossed that path of your boy no matter how you felt. No I am not putting this all on him, I did play some part of this. I take responsibility from it also. I know exactly what I was doing those nights I seen him, chilled with him, went out with him.... whatever people want to call it. So that whole guilt kicked into me and I felt like I had no right to mess something that had been there before I walked into the picture.... so what did I do? Made everything worse... however on ME!
Yes, on me. I made up some lies and made it seem like it was all my fault and all that and that I was the one who did everything....I wrote a letter:
Imma get right to the point. There's a REAL good reason why I asked to see you that night I called you and we yelled at each other. But you wasn't trying to hear me.
I needed to tell you something that would even make you more mad then you are already are. When I found out that you spoke to D about the whole situation I was like damn... wtf did I just bring. The night I told you about Jon Doe... yea they were true. I do like Jon Doe and I have chilled with him some time this summer. We talked on the fone, liked I said, nothing serious...just giving advice about shyt. I kissed him, but it was because of the moment and also I was drinking with him. Yes I have spoke about it to him to tell you and shyt, but he didnt want me to tell you for the fact that it will break something.... it wasnt his fault. LITERALLY, it wasnt!!!! I came onto him and did what I did. Now... when I told you this, I don't know if you seen the way I was acting was kind of funny... I would laugh at times and you would wonder why am I laughing... well I was tipsy... I had some serious L in my system from hanging with my boy that night and my girls. As I am telling you this, I am telling this to Jane Doe too because I lied to her about everything. Remember how I begged you not to say nothing to Jon Doe... well this is the reason why I didnt want you to go to him... I lied. I wanted attention that night.,. i was drunk... i know u couldnt tell if I was because you didnt smell it on me, but I used something to make the smell go away. I did that over the summer to when I was with him that night so my parents wouldnt know I was drinking. As you already know drinking makes me talk alot and lie too (the night I told you about niggas being in the room with me n my girls)!!!!! What possessed me to do all this.... I drank and wanted to start some shyt. I don't even think you noticed I was smirking a little. I don't know if you know this, but I drink to releave my pain and it just started this year. Especially when I was on school grounds.... just like that night when I called you on some dumb shyt I didnt mean. Niggas was trying to stop me, but they couldnt hold me down...
Now as you are reading this, your hate for me has become intense....and I do not blame you. And I don't blame D for getting upset too naw mean. I've been on some serious stupid shyt and been acting real immature. I was only thinking about myself and only myself. I wasnt thinking what shyt it would bring between u and I and also between YOU and JON DOE.The reason why I used JON DOE name was because I knew how shyt was .... I was feeling him at that moment and he came to mind so I said all that bullshyt.
I don't want you to respond to this email nor call me to cuss me out. I already know the deal... I don't know if you already did anything to him or said anything but this is why I was protecting him. Not cause I liked him, its cuz I lied n almost (hoping that I didnt) fuck up a real strong relationship.
*Seksi*
Now, here's how everything makes it look bad on me.... first off... I look like some crazy chick who has no life, has a lot of time on her hands, is desparate, has some serious issue... basically every negative thing you can think of right?? Well yea... that's not what I am. I just wanted to save something that was there before I was there.
Now when I sit here.... I think of the people who I cared about hating me with passion. Was it worth it... for them yes. For me..... only God, Fate, and Time can tell. I can see now... my x and I know longer talk no more. The nigga(his boy) I don't know where that relationship will go. His little sister (his boy) hates me now... because she blew up his spot but I opened my mouth...basically I look like the bad person in this situation.
Isn't that so sad. These are the choices I made; just to make other people happy and not feel threatened, but to make my life even more harder. I didn't have to do what I did, but I chose to and I don't think people would understand where I am coming from. All this, happening in an amount of time....its ridiculous. I see... if people were true to themselves, to their people, and didn't lie and cheat or whatever, none of this would have happened. Like I always told my x.... things were meant to happen for a reason. And for me.... it wasn't meant for us to be in each others life. And I should have stuck by that since the first time I met him in the beginning of high school. Now... all I live on is regrets!
*Seksi*
My life... is based on choices I make for myself.
I have made some choices that I didn't have to make but I insisted on doing it just to help other people. But what do I get out of the choices I make.........................................................nothing.
I made a choice in life of not holding back anything anymore because this is not what I want in life. I can not keep balling things in when it makes me weak and not true to my own self. I look into the mirror and ponder what kind of person am I? Why am I abusing myself by lying, hiding things when sometimes they are meant to be out.
I have learned that there are things that are meant to be kept inside and other things that should be out.
I had a situation last week whereas, my x and I were having a conversation about basically everything about life and what we want and also him and I splitting apart. I know I can not have him back. But I made a choice of telling him something that I held in for so long because I couldn't take staring into his eyes and lying to him. (When I think about it, I am not a bad person, and I am certainly not crazy in the mind. People look at me crazy because they wouldn't have the balls and heart to speak what they have on their mind.) That's not what I was brought up to be. I'm not the type of person whereas I do something and know what I am doing and lie about it. WHY LIE...?
Anyways, back to what I was saying, when we got on the topic about us, or should I say him and I, it came to the point of telling him everything that I hid because I just didn't want to be in a position where people would view me in some way. But when I think about it, either way of the situation, I am viewed as something negative. I told him everything, who told me he cheated, who broke us apart, what I did with his boy, how close his boy and I were, everything he did not expect to come out my mouth. In all honesty.... I felt happy finally telling the truth to him. I felt this big pain just vanishing/escaping from my soul. You just do not understand how much it felt good. However, I did feel bad.... real bad. I hesitated for a while, especially when he stated "We're not together for a reason so just tell me....blah blah blah" Why did I hesitate, because it did hurt. It hurt to know I wouldn't gain nothing from me telling him the truth, no reward, no kiss, no hug, no respect!!! But I got respect for myself for finally opening myself out to him.
We got into an argument and you know the usual... you get upset and say things by blowing up that persons spot. Things that I did not expect. However, it's whatever to me. It doesn't phase me..... at all. I have to emphasize how good I felt telling him. I wanted to tell him from the beginning, but I held it in because I couldn't find the words. But that day I just gave in..... but it was too late. Part of me asks....was it meant to come out? Did I do the right thing? Was I wrong for speaking the truth even though it was not worth it? WAS IT EVEN WORTH IT???? But the results that I received gave me the answer.... and to all the questions I have asked... I don't think it was worth it by a long shot.
So now.... his boys know what the deal is. They get mad, because that's suppose to be "their boy" That's understandable!!!! But when I spoke to the person who I ratted out for some reason my heart and kindness and all that bullshit kicked in. I felt bad that I was ruining a friendship over something that was sort of the past and present. I felt bad because he needed his boys friendship. But then again when you think about it, if you wanted that "special" friendship.... you would have never crossed that path of your boy no matter how you felt. No I am not putting this all on him, I did play some part of this. I take responsibility from it also. I know exactly what I was doing those nights I seen him, chilled with him, went out with him.... whatever people want to call it. So that whole guilt kicked into me and I felt like I had no right to mess something that had been there before I walked into the picture.... so what did I do? Made everything worse... however on ME!
Yes, on me. I made up some lies and made it seem like it was all my fault and all that and that I was the one who did everything....I wrote a letter:
Imma get right to the point. There's a REAL good reason why I asked to see you that night I called you and we yelled at each other. But you wasn't trying to hear me.
I needed to tell you something that would even make you more mad then you are already are. When I found out that you spoke to D about the whole situation I was like damn... wtf did I just bring. The night I told you about Jon Doe... yea they were true. I do like Jon Doe and I have chilled with him some time this summer. We talked on the fone, liked I said, nothing serious...just giving advice about shyt. I kissed him, but it was because of the moment and also I was drinking with him. Yes I have spoke about it to him to tell you and shyt, but he didnt want me to tell you for the fact that it will break something.... it wasnt his fault. LITERALLY, it wasnt!!!! I came onto him and did what I did. Now... when I told you this, I don't know if you seen the way I was acting was kind of funny... I would laugh at times and you would wonder why am I laughing... well I was tipsy... I had some serious L in my system from hanging with my boy that night and my girls. As I am telling you this, I am telling this to Jane Doe too because I lied to her about everything. Remember how I begged you not to say nothing to Jon Doe... well this is the reason why I didnt want you to go to him... I lied. I wanted attention that night.,. i was drunk... i know u couldnt tell if I was because you didnt smell it on me, but I used something to make the smell go away. I did that over the summer to when I was with him that night so my parents wouldnt know I was drinking. As you already know drinking makes me talk alot and lie too (the night I told you about niggas being in the room with me n my girls)!!!!! What possessed me to do all this.... I drank and wanted to start some shyt. I don't even think you noticed I was smirking a little. I don't know if you know this, but I drink to releave my pain and it just started this year. Especially when I was on school grounds.... just like that night when I called you on some dumb shyt I didnt mean. Niggas was trying to stop me, but they couldnt hold me down...
Now as you are reading this, your hate for me has become intense....and I do not blame you. And I don't blame D for getting upset too naw mean. I've been on some serious stupid shyt and been acting real immature. I was only thinking about myself and only myself. I wasnt thinking what shyt it would bring between u and I and also between YOU and JON DOE.The reason why I used JON DOE name was because I knew how shyt was .... I was feeling him at that moment and he came to mind so I said all that bullshyt.
I don't want you to respond to this email nor call me to cuss me out. I already know the deal... I don't know if you already did anything to him or said anything but this is why I was protecting him. Not cause I liked him, its cuz I lied n almost (hoping that I didnt) fuck up a real strong relationship.
*Seksi*
Now, here's how everything makes it look bad on me.... first off... I look like some crazy chick who has no life, has a lot of time on her hands, is desparate, has some serious issue... basically every negative thing you can think of right?? Well yea... that's not what I am. I just wanted to save something that was there before I was there.
Now when I sit here.... I think of the people who I cared about hating me with passion. Was it worth it... for them yes. For me..... only God, Fate, and Time can tell. I can see now... my x and I know longer talk no more. The nigga(his boy) I don't know where that relationship will go. His little sister (his boy) hates me now... because she blew up his spot but I opened my mouth...basically I look like the bad person in this situation.
Isn't that so sad. These are the choices I made; just to make other people happy and not feel threatened, but to make my life even more harder. I didn't have to do what I did, but I chose to and I don't think people would understand where I am coming from. All this, happening in an amount of time....its ridiculous. I see... if people were true to themselves, to their people, and didn't lie and cheat or whatever, none of this would have happened. Like I always told my x.... things were meant to happen for a reason. And for me.... it wasn't meant for us to be in each others life. And I should have stuck by that since the first time I met him in the beginning of high school. Now... all I live on is regrets!
*Seksi*
posted by Seksi at 11:50 AM
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