What Am I Writing...?

I don't seem to understand this feeling that I get as I sit here and right this.

As I sit here I looked over to my bed and there you lay, sound asleep. But are you really sleeping? My mind seems confused.. lost.. unrecovered because of this feeling I possess. I can't seem to know what it means.

My feelings for you are there, but I feel as if something is holding you back from me that I just can't figure out. Part of me feels happy that your presence is near. Other part feels rage that I can not seem to understand why it is here. Why do I feel this way? I don't quite know.

As I laid next to you I would slowly close my eyes of fatigue... but something comes to mind to keep me awake. I think about those moments we shared... the nights we spent together... all you can think of. Hence the pain that I feel when these memories come to play.

Its 6am in the morning and I am wide awake... but my body screams for rest... why am I doing this to myself again?? Why can't I just forget and move on with my life?

I sit here and look on over to my bed as you lay there and just wish I can be in your arms. What is the possibility percentage... you can tell me that. I refuse to try to make a move because I would not want to feel unwanted.

I look on over to you and thirst for you, which I think is impossible for me to do. I sit here and wish to know what is that you dream of as you lay in MY bed. Do you dream of me, your future, what you have now... and that new person in your life?

On behalf of that, I wish I could let you know exactly how I feel about you and this person. I feel that you are confused on what you want. You are confused of what the feelings inside of you are playin some sort of game. Or am I the one confused bout how I feel?

Do I want to continue and lay right next to you once again? Do I want to feel something that I try to control but can't seem to win the battle when you are near?

Fatigue is killing me at this moment. My body is wanting to go back, but my heart and mind is wanting to stay away from these questions that come to mind when I lay. But I dont have a choice... its either to get sick once again or just face reality and accept the challenge that comes at me.

Only God can provide me the answers to my question and lead me on to the right path that I seek for. But what is it? To be wanted is somethin I would want. To be acknowledged of the real deal from someone.

Damn, I just need some time to myself to recollect things...

Now the sun is up... I really need to get some sleep.

****Just speaking a whole lot of things that just randomly come to mind****

*Seksi*

Geoffrey Dale Douglas...

Today makes 4 years since your death boo... and everyday it just gets harder and harder when you dont have that someone who will always be there to pick you up and bring you back on your feet. That's what I feel at this moment boo.

As I sit here, I reminisce of everything we went through from the 3rd grade up until your death. I remember the time when Mr finn chased you and Edson with a belt at school. Oh, how about the time when Charlyne pulled down your pants at gym class...lol... that was so funny! I can never forget those late night phone calls. I cherish those moments like no other. I'm never going to forget the phone call of you thinking you almost lost your life because of weed, lol. The incident did stop you for a while because you ended up going to the hospital for it, but you picked up your habits cuz of the people you hung out with.


It makes me cry you know as I write this. Its hard how you care about someone so much that some individual had to take your life away. I still do not understand that!! Only you and God can explain to me why your presence had to leave this unholy ground. IT HURTS SO MUCH!!! :(

Baby... I never had the chance to thank you for everything you have done for me. Those days you stayed with me after school because my father always came late....Thank You. Those times when you brought my hopes back up when I was down in school....Thank You. Those times when we would help each other draw....Thank You. Those nights when we would talk on the phone and you would give me advice.... Thank You. Those times I needed a shoulder to cry n when I was always into something, Thank You. The times when you made me realize who was good to me and who were my real friends....Thank You. There is so much and all I can say is Thank You Geoffrey. Thank You for everything boo.

God...I just wish boo, thats all I have to say...I just wish. Damn... next yr you and I would have turned 21. Drinking age boo... I can just imagin us hitting the clubs seeing each other and acting seriously like a stupid fool....Damn I can hear you laugh right now.

Right now the image I have of you is you sitting in the front right corner of the first row bitting on your nails, left leg spread str8 out under the desk, you tilting to the black board to the right and just staring hard. LOL... i used to yell at you about that. Damn those were the days.

I would write more boo... but I got class in about 7 hours and I need the sleep. You know your on my mind every second chance I get. Know that you are always on my mind and heart. And I will ALWAYS LOVE YOU... that unconditional love is there always boo.

Rest In Peace.
Aug 21st, 1985 -Nov. 8th, 2001