Realization...

Ever realize something that means a lot too.

I feel like something so special could have been out my life today and I realized how much it would hurt me.

Just a few minutes ago, I just came back from going out with someone who I am trying to have trust in me again. I know it will take time, but I hope this person realizes that I really want him in my life.

I sat there with this person and had a late night dinner. I enjoyed myself tonight. As we were sitting and eating, we would talk about anything and laugh. I love seeing him smile. It does something to me and I don’t know why. Everything was perfect, just everything. But when it came to talking about us splitting, people being in out business, and other people talking about us, it hurts. I did not think it would hurt me but it did. And this is the first time that I actually felt pain from all this in a long time. I tried to brush it off, but it was still there. However I did not make it seem like there was something wrong with me at all. I just kept it cool.

The night ended beautiful. Listened to music and drove back to my school. Everything was fine. Parked in the parking lot but no words were being exchanged. Honestly, this is where I felt something else. I felt like something was missing. I felt like there was a barrier in front of me blocking me from confessing what I wanted to say. I really wanted to tell him how I felt but I couldn’t. I could not face being shut down again from the first time. One time is enough for me. He asked me what I was thinking about but I couldn’t tell him.

So finally it was time to really end the night. I said bye and walked out the car. Got into my crib and walked into my room. Started to undress myself from the clothes then that’s when someone hits me up on my Nextel. I seen it was him and I answered. All I heard was I got into a car accident. Do you know how much that HURTS and SCARES me!!!??? I thought he really got injured, but it was a minor accident, but serious at the same time. His ankle right now really hurts because he got hurt on his left side. I left my room so quick, drove up real fast (took my girls car) and found him. GOD my heart was racing. That’s when it hit me. I needed him. I wanted him. I wanted to be that girl to be with him the rest of the night. I wanted him to stay with me. My heart was hurting so much that it felt like someone was piercing a knife into it to the point that I can feel it striking it slowing! I realized that the feelings I have is not a phase. It is something REAL.

ALL MY FEELINGS ARE BACK FOR HIM. Yes and I can not help this either. As much as I try to block, brush off, avoid, deny… it still hits me hard. Yes I want him back, but I know I can’t. I know he would not want to go back into something that broke us apart in the first place. But I am trying so hard to tell him, but I guess it’s not meant to be at all.

Now… I just sit here thinking, “WHAT IF…”